By Ben Bolch
Evict goofy gophers from Dome
You forget that this is a place where good teams play and crowds care. The Minnesota Vikings and Minnesota Twins, teams that make the playoffs at least occasionally, create a certain euphoric buzz inside the Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome.
Hearing that buzz from outside the Metrodome, you'd think they were giving away free Pearl Jam tickets in there.
But after watching the Gophers - those ugly step-sisters of the pro teams - stumble, bumble and fumble inside the Metrodome (as I did last year in Northwestern's 37-31 win), it's easy to get a serious case of the dome doldrums.
I came away from that game so wobbly that my sports editor resembled Sheryl Crow. All we wanted to do was have some fun getting as far away from there as possible.
This year, the Gophers are so bad that they were the topic of my Peasant Politics class this week. We learned how the Gophers (symbolizing the proletariat) petitioned their athletic director (symbolizing the ruler) for more Division I-AA opponents.
Still, we must remember that the Gophers are kings of the transitive property. They beat Ball State. Ball State beat Miami of Ohio. Miami of Ohio embarrassed Northwestern. Thus, Minnesota is the national champion.
All jokes aside, these Gophers (3-1, 1-0 Big Ten) are still laughingstocks. They edged Purdue 39-38 last week in their annual let's-see-if-one-of-us-has-a-defense affair.
Minnesota is only a three-point underdog for Saturday's game with the No. 14 Wildcats (4-1, 2-0), which is a farce in itself.
Oh, all right, so the Gophers have a stellar (if not outstanding) running back. Chris Darkins could enter a game wearing a sign reading, "Tackle me, win free steak," and 60 minutes later his opponents would still be vegetarians.
Darkins certainly befuddled the Purdue defense, racking up 294 yards and three touchdowns. But I'm not impressed. Failing to break 300 yards against the Boilermakers is a huge struggle.
To his credit, though, Darkins is ranked No. 7 in the country in rushing offense (144.5 yards per game).
The Minnesota Sports Information Director, curious to see if The Daily could lend any fuel to the media inferno backing Darkins' run at the Heisman, asked me earlier this week to bring along anything we had written on Darkins. Well, we hadn't written much until now.
Attention, Mr. SID: Darkins has about as much right to the Heisman as Cat backup quarterback Tim Hughes has to the throne of Bulgaria. Darkins isn't even the best back in the Big Ten. And, more importantly, he couldn't beat Forrest Gump in the 40.
Plus, it's hard to win a Heisman when your team is 4-7.
If you want to see a real Heisman hopeful, Mr. SID, then this weekend will be your only chance. Darnell Autry is in town.
Not only is the Cats' main man No. 4 in the nation in rushing (153.4 ypg), I've heard he can beat Forrest in the 40. We'd like to see the articles your student newspaper has written on him.
These Cats, unlike the goofy Gophers, are on their way to a bowl. When your school has gone to exactly one bowl since 1882, winning five games before Halloween is big news.
That's exactly what will happen Saturday: The Cats will be practically bowl-bound, and the Gophers will once again leave the winning to the Vikings and the Twins.
NU faithful couldn't be happier.
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